What is it?

People pleasing is a pattern of behaviour in which someone consistently puts the emotional wellbeing of others before their own needs.

This is not to be confused with simply being a kind and considerate person. Having empathy and considering the needs of others are of course great traits, but people pleasing takes this to an extreme that ultimately doesn't serve the person doing it or the people they are trying to please.

Why does it occur?

There is no one reason why people pleasing becomes a pattern of behaviour.

It can be a [coping response to complex trauma](https://www.charliehealth.com/post/is-fawning-a-trauma-response-what-you-need-to-know#:~:text=In other words%2C fawning is,conflict by pleasing their abuser.).

It can also be a strategy deployed by Enneagram 2's in an attempt to validate their self worth.

What are the signs?

People pleasing can show up in lots of different ways but the following are a few of the more typical signs:

• Not setting boundaries - people pleasers often struggle with setting and enforcing their own boundaries. That might mean taking too much on at work, or not making time for themselves in their personal life (often both). Boundaries are often seen as a negative or a challenge as it involves explicitly advocating for their own needs.
• Seeking approval from others most of us do this to some extent, but people pleasers tend to index very highly on what others think of them and act in ways that try to gain approval. This can often lead to anxiety over what others think of them and how their actions are going to be perceived.
• Conflict aversion - people pleasers can become overly consensus driven, agreeing with things solely to avoid any form of conflict, even if they have an underlying strong opinion. If they do voice an opinion, it tends to come with a host of caveats and self-apology.

Costs of people pleasing

People pleasers can easily become overcommitted, stressed and anxious. This leaves them at a high risk of things like burnout.

Besides their own wellbeing, their inability to advocate for their own needs; engage in healthy conflict; and voice strong opinions often inhibit them in their careers.

How to work on it

As with all traits, it's one thing to notice them, but another thing entirely to change them.

Broadly speaking, there are three common strategies I see to try to change the behaviour:

1. 'Exposure therapy' i.e. practice saying no, setting boundaries, speaking up for your needs etc.